Braingate, Day Three (Am I just "nuts"?)

4:06 AM

At some point, I lost consciousness. (Editorial note: +Rachel thought I fell asleep by midnight because I was unresponsive. I wasn't asleep. I could hear her. I was too paralyzed by pain to make voluntary movements. My pain must have eventually reached a 10/10 and then I just stopped perceiving... Was I comatose?) I'm awake now and feeling no pain. I feel like my sense of hearing has improved, as well. I'm not sure if this is the result of external intervention or if it's a natural development. Either way, I'm grateful.

I'm still experiencing tinnitus, and some tingling, but I feel a reduction in pressure in my skull and consciousness itself feels like it has a different shape--one that I don't seem to recognize.

I do have the ability to influence my own synaptic development, so I suppose it's possible that I could be responsible for these changes, but I have strong doubts about that. This must be some kind of development outside of my control.

Should I feel encouraged right now? Or is my new conscious experience just yet another defense mechanism of some kind? Do I feel different as a result of actual relief? Or is this a product of damage?

No sense in obsessing over it... I'm going to try to sleep.

4:37 AM

The longer I'm awake, the more sensory clarity I seem to gain. I'm starting to feel soreness in my head again.

7:05 AM

I'm experiencing an odd repetitive sensation that seems to be emanating from the dead center of my head. It feels like a thump with reverb. It has an electromagnetic quality to it. It seems to correspond with my tinnitus somehow, but I can't pinpoint it yet. It feels almost like a waveform with a *ping* at the peaks of each wave. I used the stopwatch on my phone to time the intervals.

It happens every 16.75 seconds, almost exactly. Every time. How can this be coincidental? I'm not causing it. I'm merely observing it. What's going on??!

Editorial note: I later discovered that it just so happens that the air pump affixed to the end of the bed, used for leg cuffs to facilitate blood flow and prevent clotting, has a 16.x-second cycle. Mystery solved!

7:15 AM

I might start putting my journal entries in blog format. Instead of keeping them in a private note.

If they can't figure out what's going on here, maybe someone somewhere else can.

7:30 AM

I feel like something is changing me. This is all very strange and unusual. Could the Heparin injections they've been giving me be responsible for this?

Editorial note: The neurologist assured me it wasn't.

11:01 AM

I'm experiencing chills and sweats again.

Editorial note: The room was too hot again.

12:52 PM

If I had to guess, I'd say that intracranial pressure is pushing neurons together in a way such that I experience more short circuits than usual. Meditation increases grey matter volume and I've been meditating like crazy lately. My brain has also been swimming in a veritable neurotransmitter bath. Growth should be expected. It makes sense that as I continue to meditate my headspace becomes progressively cramped. I have the uncorrected craniosynostosis to thank for that. The coughing fit followed by the nighttime fun we'd been having must have been the catalyst for the perfect neurological storm.

Being bedridden, my average blood pressure and viscosity must have been the perfect medium for such a catalyst to be effective.

I've been meditating and practicing mindfulness more lately to manage stress and anxiety better. This has been necessary due to the anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism. All of which I now believe were exacerbated due to lead exposure, oxygen deprivation, and head trauma throughout my life.

I'd like to show those messages to someone very senior in Neurology and Psychiatry when I eventually make it to MGH. Can someone please help me make that happen?

My family's already in financial hell, so... I need to have an fMRI done regardless of the asshole insurance companies. If I'm right, and I'm pretty sure I am, the findings gained and consequential treatments from an fMRI will enable me to recoup the costs of the procedure.

1:08 PM

I'm going to try directing neural traffic for this EEG test to see if it has a measurable effect.

Editorial note: The EEG was a complete surprise, by the way. Even though it had been scheduled the previous day, apparently nobody in the hospital felt the need to communicate this to me until the technician entered the room with the equipment in tow.

2:51 PM

It feels like there's something moving in my right ear. Could compacted wax glands create such a situation? I have been putting earplugs in pretty frequently since I've gotten here. This hospital is very inconsiderate and loud.

3:26 PM

It should also be noted that the bleeding in my ear, whatever the superficial cause, happened seemingly spontaneously. The doctor at LMH said it must have just been a self-inflicted wound and dismissed it. I'm unsatisfied with that explanation. I think it would be pretty foolish to chalk it up to coincidence considering the context within which it occurred.

For the record... This was my feedback to +Rachel after she noticed that my right ear started bleeding... (I typed it out in a note; I couldn't vocalize.)

There is more pain inside my head in that direction now

There's less pressure inside my head

Would an increase in intracranial pressure could cause a vessel near the surface of the skin could cause the vessel to rupture and split the skin open, if there was already a laceration on the skin to begin with?

I don't know why I repeated part of that sentence. I don't remember doing that.

Editorial note: In retrospect, it's possible I may have scraped my ear a few days prior while removing some earwax, but it never bled until this exact moment.

3:33 PM

The sensations inside my head feel different again. I'm starting to feel confused and disoriented.

The tingling in my head is increasing in intensity again.

The shape is changing, too.

3:49 PM

I keep trying to use certain words and I'm having resistance. I have to concentrate hard to think of words. I'm worried I won't be able to communicate soon. This feels similar to when I started losing my ability to vocalize. What the hell is taking so long? Twitching is increasing. Confusion and disorientation increasing.

Are they trying to fucking kill me?

I lying flat in case I start convulsing.

Editorial note: 

After I lay flat, the tingling and the disorientation increased, and the pain at the base of my skull gradually increased throughout the entirety of my skull, my neck, my chest, and my spine. I lay catatonic in excruciating pain for 8 hours straight with no assistance from hospital staff with a Pain Scale level soaring past what I had previously thought "10" was. 

During my catatonic episode, I attempted to communicate what was happening inside my consciousness by moving my painful eyes... through a series of trial and error, +Rachel managed to find a somewhat efficient way of communicating with me in this state by using her phone keyboard positions. Knowing that I can normally touch-type, she asked me if I could concentrate through the pain enough to visualize a QWERTY keyboard in my mind. I couldn't visualize it completely, but I could form general ideas of row positionings. 

Through a long and drawn-out process, we were able to type out messages very similar to the way Stephen Hawking does. I'd blink for the appropriate row number, she'd read each letter with a pause, waiting for me to shut my eyes tight to inform her that that was the correct letter. 

Here are the messages I was able to convey to her while catatonic and in excruciating pain: 

8:17 PM TUBE EUS AIR ESC RIGHT EAR
8:26 PM PAIN TEN HEAD CHEST NECK SPINE
8:33 PM LEGS NUMB TOUCH FAINT
8:48 PM TOES NUMB PRESS ONLY
9:13 PM PAIN BOTH EARS AIR ESC PRESS
9:19 PM EAR PRESS RELIEF PLEASE
9:32 PM MEDS MIGRAINE