Nyx

1:30 AM and I know I should be sleeping. I have such an aversion to it.

I'm almost afraid to give in and surrender to the beckoning of my bed.

Why? Why does my mind insist on this torturous self-sabotage?

Maladjusted. Sleep-deprived. Anxious. Foggy. Fearful.

Dread, welling up in my gut and in my chest, taking over my body, gaining a foothold on my mind, and drowning out my light.

Abnormal. Freakish. Screwed up.

I do not want this.

Evaluation

Appreciation

• I look around at the effects of my life, all the things that I have, and all the love that I have for and perceive from the family around me.
  
• I realize that I am fortunate.
  
• I have more than many.

Emptiness

• I look inside myself, looking for some indication that I am fulfilled in my good fortune.
  
• I find logical appreciation and respect.
  
• I look deeper, and I find warm memories of times remembered fondly.
  
• I look deeper, and I find my nightmares, haunting my every waking moment, sprouting up through the pleasantries of my mind, and piercing through the things that I appreciate.
  
• I look deeper, and I see emptiness--a hollow void where joy and wonder should be. Where are they?
  
• I look deeper, and I see, at my core, a sense of self-loathing, and self-hatred, and loneliness, and despair, and anger. It's as dense and chaotic as the core of a neutron star.

Guilt

• I look around my body, and see chaotic disarray.
  
• The immediate world around me seems to mirror what I am at my core.
  
• Everything I touch becomes infected.
  
• Everyone I touch escapes out of fear of getting pulled in, or they slingshot around and away from my core.

Despair

• I glance over to see a way out of my personal hell.
  
• A cocktail of chemistry, each ingredient separately innocuous and harmless, but together deadly, comes into my view.
  
• It would be painless. It would be a release. It would be so easily done; I know exactly what it would take. It's not the first time I've thought about it. I could mix this cocktail in my sleep.
  
• The world around me could heal. People's trajectories in life would become unaffected by the gravity of my being. Crises would be averted.
  
• I reach for the sweet concoction of cacophonous corollary chemistry. Bliss awaits. The eternal ignorance is just around the bend.
  
• I close my eyes.

Redemption

• I choose painful enlightenment, shunning eternally blissful ignorance.
  
• My trajectory is thrown off course by the gravity of others, as well.
  
• In chaos, there is a natural order, each chaotic event dancing around each other chaotic event, playing out in an eternal dance of orchestrated destruction.
  
• Through the volatile and explosive neutron star are catalyzed new stars and future events, with effects unknowable.
  
• All things positive and orderly have roots in explosions of chaos.
  
• Order is a manifestation of chaos.
  
• Order is a culmination of chaos.
  
• Order is, itself, chaotic.
  
• Even the most violent and destructive of ends spells new beginnings.
  
• I choose the path of destructive existence.
  
• I choose to create new beginnings.
  
• I choose to create order.
  
• It is my choice to make.