Braingate, Day One (Am I just "nuts"?)

I'm having a problem.

I've been very easily confused over the course of the week.

My short-term memory and information recall have been severely inhibited, as well.

I can visualize/imagine/mentally plan doing things, but then the thoughts about doing the things often feel blocked and I'm unable to translate the thoughts into actions.

I'm experiencing fullness and tingling behind my face (nose, eyes, forehead).

I'm experiencing a fullness and dull pain at the base of my head / brain-stem.

I'm experiencing uncomfortable pressure behind my eyes.

It feels like pressure is slowly increasing inside my cranium.

I'm experiencing neuropathy in the bridge and tip of my nose.

I have been experiencing twitching in my torso and legs since last night (September 7). When I am relaxed, I feel a "jolt" travel from the base of my head down my spine.

I experienced a sharp "pop" inside my head behind my right eye during a coughing fit on Monday. (I have experienced similar sensations in the past from vomiting, intense sexual activity.)

I have been experiencing positive, favorable changes in personality that I have been attributing to the somewhat recent increase in my Prozac dosage.

The tingling sensation is strongest in the bone at the edges of the nasal orifice and eye holes, behind the right eye, and at the base of the head, to the right.

Occasionally, the spot behind my right eye becomes painful.

Occasionally, the sensation at the base of my head becomes sharp and painful.

Occasionally, I can also feel the pain at the base of my head through the flesh and into my throat.

I'm experiencing tinnitus intermittently. When I'm experiencing it, it's severe.

My right thumb is weak and neuropathic (this may be due to RSI... I <3 my smartphone).

When I was checking in to the Emergency Room at Lawrence Memorial Hospital, I could speak at most three words at a time. I had to concentrate a lot. I can't even do that now.

I don't have memories of this ever happening to me before.

Editorial note: +Rachel had taken me to Lawrence Memorial Hospital when I seemed incoherent and "out of it", and complained of my gradually worsening condition since my coughing fit on Monday. There was concern that I could have been experiencing a brain bleed or that I'd had a blood clot travel from one of my bedridden legs to my head. I'd since been transferred from Lawrence Memorial Hospital to Tufts Medical Center. As I was being loaded onto the stretcher at LMH, my right ear started bleeding. It's apparently only a superficial wound. The doctor at LMH who inspected it accused me of giving myself a self-inflicted wound. I was insulted, but I had no idea that this accusation would portend my experiences to come.

Reality and Actuality: A treatise on being

If we humans are just

made of matter

And matter is just

made of atoms

And atoms are just
made of particles

And particles are just
made of strings

And strings are just
vibrational perturbations
observed
from different perspectives
within convergences
of different phases
of attenuation
of the fields
of existence,
of such that is,
ain soph,
measured as heat,
observed as light,
self-assertions,
creating
the simulation
of time

And perturbations
throughout any substrate
are susceptible
to the fundamental truths
of entropy
and inertia

Then the most perfect existence
is absolute balance
between opposing forces
on all axes.

Such is the paradox
of the real,
for that would imply
the perfect existence
would be equivalent
to non-existence.

Such is the perfect nature
of sacrifice
of the one
for the benefit
of the all.

Existence is
the product
of imperfection.

So...

What is one to do?
Live without judgment.
Love without restraint.

And afford all things
the time they need--
no more,
no less.

Love is
the concept
the universe
has evolved
within all of life
that represents
the purest force
of creation,
the imbalance that gives
entropy advantage.

Love is
the essence
of imperfection.

Love is
essentially
chaotic.

(We love
the people who we love
for what sets them apart
from ourselves and each other,
in addition to what makes them
as we are.)

Love is
the essence
of randomness.

So...

Existence is flawed.
That is good.
It has to be.

It was...
It has always been...
It is...
It will always be...
inevitable!

Love so you can forgive.
Forgive so you can understand.
Understand so you can trust.
Trust so you can love.

This is the process of creation,
our own existential feedback loop.

The most perfect existence
is one that embraces
its own imperfections.

The most perfect existence
is one that renews itself
through the mechanics
of its own volatility.

This is the purpose of existence.

This is the way to "heaven".

#LoveWillSaveUs #HumanTribe

Music and lyrics from Chris to 4 Parker

Presence

We know that colors would be impossible without the stars that create them,
and that stars would be impossible without the dark that embraces them.

Even darkness has its functions. You wouldn't be here without it.
Beliefs create assumptions. There's nothing you can do about it.

Everything present in this place has its place.
Embrace life. Be present. The universe makes no mistakes.

Reflections of a Saturday Evening Meditative Retreat of One, Snuggled with Horus 🐱

We are all individual protrusions of the universe into itself. What we become in life results from the frequencies of our individual existences, vibrating on different planes of such that is, ain soph, creating harmonies and disharmonies with those around us... like ripples in a pond of "being", echoes into the dark void of "real".

We each attempt to do our best to express our Will into the world. It's a world to the best of our own understanding of what "real" is, anyway. Compared against the knowledge that our understanding is ultimately unique to each of us, factions form. Sub-factions form. The forces of physics have already done their work in getting the energy fields of the universe to coalesce into the matter that has made us, and so our own evolution as matter, as self-replicating matter, of life, of a species, as a planet, as a galaxy, as a universe in any given configuration at any given time, is, in essence, another force of physics.

If one were to continue this trend of thinking, then, the subdivisions of our economic, political, social, ethical, psychological, and even religious structures are all merely natural byproducts of an Universal existence. We will continue to advance as a species, and as a collective existential instantiation, and evolve into whatever the fruits of our innovative spirits afford us to become. Please take me literally for my Word when I say that my greatest wish within the context of this understanding is that the "odds" be ever in everyone's favo(u)r.

Aum. Ha.

💜 93 93/93 💜

Transitive Consequence & Risk

I never even considered this as a possibility: +Playboy​, the world's most famous "nudie mag", is going to stop publishing nude photos as of March 2016.

Yes, you read that right. It's not an ill-timed April Fool's joke. It's not information that's been gleaned from +The Onion. It's for real, folks.

While I think that this decision will be a net positive over the long-term (especially if Playboy can successfully reinvent itself as a medium for lifestyle and social commentary), I do foresee this having some negative repercussions, as well; mostly for Playboy itself, but also for aspiring nude models.

It's cliché for people to claim they consume Playboy content "for the articles", and while that may be true for some of its consumer base, it should go without saying that the majority of its target is in for skin. Without the primary attraction they've grown accustomed to, where's the draw? What's going to motivate those primarily interested in viewing images of nude women to continue to give the Playboy company their money? Come March 2016, it should be pretty clear that Playboy's going to see a mass exodus of paying customers and a major hit to its bottom line--one from which it might not be able to recover.

But maybe that's a good thing, one could argue. After all, Playboy is considerably responsible for perpetuating an overly misogynistic view of women in Western society. While it could be argued that Playboy provides women with an opportunity to own their bodies and utilize their assets to their advantage, under their own control, I'd argue that the majority of the feminist movement would consider this a notch on its collective belt. Regardless of what empowerment Playboy may provide to the women who participate, the net effect on society's views of women is, without a doubt, a harmful one.

In light of the positive aspects of this move, it would be naive to turn a blind eye to the negatives. What about the so-called "butterfly effect" such a decision could have?

Surely, there are women who have a genuine desire to pose nude for a large audience. Women exist all over the world whom have career goals of being nude models in publications such as Playboy, and their motivations are many. Subjective morality-centered arguments aside, who is anyone to tell these women what they should or should not do with their own bodies? Provided that their actions are consensual and they're not victims of exploitation, and that their viewers are mature enough to experience the products of their actions, what happens between them is their own business and theirs alone.

That being said, absent Playboy as a (relatively) safe option for nude modeling without the expectation of sexual explicity, these women may end up settling for less-than-reputable, fly-by-night operations where they may be exposed to greater personal risk. Some may even feel they have no other option than to reluctantly break into the pornography industry (a decision never to be taken lightly), potentially exposing them to even further risk. Playboy's decision to stop publishing nudes is certainly going to create what essentially amounts to a power vacuum, and it's guaranteed to be filled quickly by all sorts with myriad motivations... celebratory as well as predatory.

So, as a follow-up to this new direction for Playboy, will the company voluntarily refer women to alternative, reputable agencies--vetted by Playboy, itself--in the interest of advancing a tasteful nude modeling career? Or will Playboy distance itself from the nudity-based industry entirely, completely unaffiliated with it in any way? And if that's the case, are we truly ready for the likely impact such a decision will have on the sisters, daughters, and friends of many?

Source: Nudes Are Old News at Playboy - The New York Times

Nyx

1:30 AM and I know I should be sleeping. I have such an aversion to it.

I'm almost afraid to give in and surrender to the beckoning of my bed.

Why? Why does my mind insist on this torturous self-sabotage?

Maladjusted. Sleep-deprived. Anxious. Foggy. Fearful.

Dread, welling up in my gut and in my chest, taking over my body, gaining a foothold on my mind, and drowning out my light.

Abnormal. Freakish. Screwed up.

I do not want this.

Evaluation

Appreciation

• I look around at the effects of my life, all the things that I have, and all the love that I have for and perceive from the family around me.
  
• I realize that I am fortunate.
  
• I have more than many.

Emptiness

• I look inside myself, looking for some indication that I am fulfilled in my good fortune.
  
• I find logical appreciation and respect.
  
• I look deeper, and I find warm memories of times remembered fondly.
  
• I look deeper, and I find my nightmares, haunting my every waking moment, sprouting up through the pleasantries of my mind, and piercing through the things that I appreciate.
  
• I look deeper, and I see emptiness--a hollow void where joy and wonder should be. Where are they?
  
• I look deeper, and I see, at my core, a sense of self-loathing, and self-hatred, and loneliness, and despair, and anger. It's as dense and chaotic as the core of a neutron star.

Guilt

• I look around my body, and see chaotic disarray.
  
• The immediate world around me seems to mirror what I am at my core.
  
• Everything I touch becomes infected.
  
• Everyone I touch escapes out of fear of getting pulled in, or they slingshot around and away from my core.

Despair

• I glance over to see a way out of my personal hell.
  
• A cocktail of chemistry, each ingredient separately innocuous and harmless, but together deadly, comes into my view.
  
• It would be painless. It would be a release. It would be so easily done; I know exactly what it would take. It's not the first time I've thought about it. I could mix this cocktail in my sleep.
  
• The world around me could heal. People's trajectories in life would become unaffected by the gravity of my being. Crises would be averted.
  
• I reach for the sweet concoction of cacophonous corollary chemistry. Bliss awaits. The eternal ignorance is just around the bend.
  
• I close my eyes.

Redemption

• I choose painful enlightenment, shunning eternally blissful ignorance.
  
• My trajectory is thrown off course by the gravity of others, as well.
  
• In chaos, there is a natural order, each chaotic event dancing around each other chaotic event, playing out in an eternal dance of orchestrated destruction.
  
• Through the volatile and explosive neutron star are catalyzed new stars and future events, with effects unknowable.
  
• All things positive and orderly have roots in explosions of chaos.
  
• Order is a manifestation of chaos.
  
• Order is a culmination of chaos.
  
• Order is, itself, chaotic.
  
• Even the most violent and destructive of ends spells new beginnings.
  
• I choose the path of destructive existence.
  
• I choose to create new beginnings.
  
• I choose to create order.
  
• It is my choice to make.